Building and Preserving Boundaries

This is one of my favorite topics!!

You are the #1 person who knows what is best for you.

Maybe you don’t know that for sure right now, but with some listening and learning about yourself, you will (you really will!).

And you are the only one inside that body of yours who will be able to know for certain what your needs are. There’s no one else in there. There isn’t one single other person on planet earth who will know exactly what it’s like to be you.

So you are the only person who has a right to set the boundaries that feel right for you.

There are a few reasons why that’s a beautiful thing…

For one thing, it means you get to be the boss of what you allow in your life. And that goes for everything: people, places, activities, foods, behaviors of others, behaviors of your own, feedback, requests for help, and the list goes on and on.

In other words, you are the only one who has the right to be in charge of the boundaries you set.

And by the way, you get to change your mind whenever the hell you want! Maybe you try a new boundary that turns out actually doesn’t fit quite right. You get to change your mind and try again. That is the beauty of flexible boundaries. If we think of boundaries as an ever-evolving and always available tool, then we will always have them as a friend there to help us navigate any situation.

Another thing is that no one can dispute what your internal experience is like.

Another person may try to tell you you’re wrong about a feeling you have or a preference you hold, but it’d be impossible for them to be right – because you are the only person inside your body who knows what you’re feeling and needing. People like to think they know for sure what is best for another person, but they don’t and they can’t.

You’re your own best advocate and protector…

… as you continuously discover what your needs are and how to communicate them. There will always be people who won’t oblige (something to notice and explore), and it’s often uncomfortable to express our needs (especially as women).

But learning how to figure out what you need AND being able to express those needs to others (setting boundaries) is like building a muscle. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and the more you’ll feel like your own best advocate.

AND the more you do it, the safer and less overwhelming everyday life begins to feel!

In therapy, you’ll learn about setting boundaries in all different areas of life.

They can become a favorite friend that you carry with you that help you make life feel manageable. Here are some examples:

Boundaries with yourself may look like:

Not staying out past 11 pm on a Friday night.
Having one cookie instead of two.
Going to the gym 3 times per week, no more and no less.
Speaking to yourself with kindness, rather than ridicule at least 80% of the time.

Boundaries with loved ones may look like:

Asking your loved one to adjust their tone of voice when speaking to you.
Setting a non-negotiable bedtime with the kids.
Sharing house chores evenly with a partner.
Speaking to your mother on the phone once per week, no more and no less.

Boundaries with strangers may look like:

Telling the man behind you that he’s standing too close to you in the checkout line.
Telling the solicitor that you are not comfortable speaking to them.
Telling the sales person you do not want help and would like to shop on your own.
Asking the person next to you on the plane to use their headphones instead of blasting their music.

Boundaries with work may look like:

Turning off your computer at 6 pm and not opening it until 9 am.
Using all of your earned vacation days.
Telling your boss you’d prefer to be asked to do things, rather than told.
Asking for help, rather than bearing the weight of a huge project alone.

Boundaries with friends may look like:

Not answering every single text message right away.
Asking for your friend to check in on you more often.
Telling your friend you’d like to choose a less expensive restaurant this time.
Telling your friend that you’re hoping to eat healthy, and asking that they refrain from bringing sweets to your home.

As you were reading that list of boundaries, did any of them sound as if they might make you feel less stressed?

Did you roll your eyes at any of them and think, “Yeah, right.”

Maybe none of those particular examples struck a chord with you. That’s okay, too.

There are infinite opportunities to identify boundaries that can reduce your level of stress day to day, and I would love to help you figure out what they may be for you.

Listening to yourself…

You may be wondering how exactly therapy can help you learn to set boundaries in all these different areas of life.

It all comes back to one simple practice that we develop and hone together: listening to yourself. That may sound kind of silly, because it’s so simple. In some ways it is super simple. In other ways, it can be complex.

One thing we’ll work on with listening closely is to differentiate between the ingrained messages from others about what you should be doing versus what your own body is telling you is actually what’s best for you.

For example, when deciding whether to indulge in a slice of cake, you may hear an automatic internal message that says, “Cake will make you FAT, don’t even think about it.” Perhaps that’s your mother’s message, or your sister’s or a friend’s – wherever that is coming from, it may not be from your own self. We may find that your authentic inner voice is saying “You can totally have half a slice! Maybe not the whole thing, but half is safe and fun.”

By taking our time in listening to your body and mind as we talk through elements of your life, we’ll build the internal muscle that helps you really hear yourself and find your path, separating out the inaccurate messages you’ve internalized from others.

As you continue to hear and cultivate the power of your own internal voice, it’s likely you’ll find a sense of safety in trusting yourself, calm in the balance you find in life, and enjoyment in the little indulgences in which you can now safely engage.

Let’s find some of your boundaries… together.

There is so much more to know about boundaries and so much to learn about how they can be implemented in your life in a meaningful way!! It’s hard to describe something so complex and full of possibilities on a single webpage.

Boundaries can truly be the thing that changes the way life feels to live!

So, give me a call. Let’s find some of yours together: (720) 432-3842.