Building Strong Relationships
Relationships are such interesting creatures.
I’ve always found they are more than the sum of their parts.
There’s this whole universe that exists between two people in relationship – as though the space between them is an entity of its own – with its own unique energy and movement… interacting with and enveloping both people on either side, yet also existing in its own space.
Relationships are such unbelievably rich sources of information about how we see ourselves, how others see us, and how we exist in the world.
We can love someone SO much even though they hurt us.
We can believe ourselves to be worthy of poor treatment and accept that as our fate, even though that’s not truly what we deserve.
We can be controlling in relationships, because it feels like the only way to make sense of our surroundings; to surrender can feel terrifying and dangerous.
We can be distant, because that feels safer than being vulnerable.
We can be dependent, because we don’t trust ourselves to steer our own ship.
The ways of being in relationships with others are endless.
And a single relationship can include all of these and so many other ways of interacting – all at the same time.
They can be confusing and complex… and people can be weird and surprising… and we can learn SO MUCH by our feelings and reactions in a relationship.
Even the relationship that you and I build will be dense with information about both of us.
Think about your closest relationships right now…
And think about how you feel after you hang out with those people.
What swirls through your mind as you drive away? Are you thinking back to all the dumb things you’re sure you made a fool of yourself by saying?
Are you worrying whether they’re talking behind your back? Are you feeling resentful that you know it’ll be you who picks up the phone to make plans again and that they never seem to initiate?
Are you hurt by little things they said to criticize you? Are you angry that they didn’t listen to you? Are you sad because you were blamed for something that went wrong?
Do those relationships that you’re thinking of make you feel supported, worthy of love, and secure? Or do they have you feeling insecure, unimportant, unworthy?
If you’re not even sure what it looks like to have a relationship that feels safe and secure, that’s okay, too.
You deserve to have relationships that make you feel whole, satisfied, happy, and nourished. You deserve to drive away thinking about all the wonderful moments you just had with your people and to think about how lucky you are to be so loved. You deserve to be appreciated and cared for. And you can be the one to chart a new course that will lead to these kinds of relationships.
Wouldn’t it be remarkable to feel like those around you truly have your back?
Often our relationships reflect beliefs we have about ourselves.
My answer to this question is that when you begin to explore yourself in individual therapy you’ll start to see how your relationships are perpetuating the things that are making life feel difficult. This is tricky to explain, so I’ll give you an example:
Pia* is a 32-year-old living in Greenwood Village with her husband and two kids, ages 11 and 13. They have a great house that feels like home. Both Pia and her husband have great jobs, the kids seem well-adjusted, and, generally, things are looking pretty good for Pia and her family.
But Pia is struggling. She is exhausted every single day and feels that empty gnawing in her gut that something is missing. She’s so damn frustrated, because every box is checked that says she should be in her bliss. She has a kind husband, two happy kids, a job she enjoys, good friends, etc.
Let’s take a closer look at evenings in Pia’s home. When Pia gets home from work, the kids are usually not far behind, getting off the bus about 30 minutes later. When they get in the door, they yell for her telling her exactly what they want for dinner (tacos with extra cheese and tortilla chips) and when they want it. Pia tells them she doesn’t have the ingredients for tacos tonight, but she can make chicken wings and fruit salad. The kids whine and moan and complain that she “never has anything” they want to eat. Pia immediately feels guilty and tells them she’ll run to the store to grab the ingredients for tacos.
Shortly after the kids have eaten and gone upstairs to do their homework, Pia’s husband gets home. He kisses her hello and asks her how her day was. They chat for a few minutes; then, he grabs a beer from the fridge and goes to the living room, yelling behind him, “What’s for dinner?” Pia tells him there are tacos left over,; and he grimaces, but says “that’s fine.” Pia offers to make him something else, and her husband says, “No, no… tacos are fine.” Pia feels a little twist in her gut, but she tells herself it’s fine. He said he’d eat the tacos… so it’s fine.
Pia goes upstairs and showers; and as soon as she’s done, the kids are ready to be tucked in. She does the nightly routine of tucking them into bed and asking them what their favorite part of their day was. By the time she’s done, it’s 9:30 pm. Just as she’s about to get into bed, her husband calls her downstairs. When she gets there, he asks her where the milk is. Pia tells him it should be in the fridge on the top shelf. He says it’s not there. She says it should be. Ten seconds go by, and he says, “Oh, here it is,” with a little sheepish grin, and walks away with it without another word. Pia goes back upstairs and finally goes to bed.
Shaping beliefs in our relationships…
While that story might have seemed like a simple description of the mundane aspects of a rather regular day, this sequence of interactions is chock full of instances where Pia was treated in such a way that reflected what she BELIEVED her role was as “mother.”
Aha! So here we have it. Here is a BELIEF that Pia has surrounding her identity, and that belief is perpetuated by her husband and kids who turn to her for their every need.
As it turns out, when Pia was a child, her mother was a stay-at-home mom and ran the household. She did everything for everyone, without a question. Her father came home from work and immediately went into his study, where he would watch TV until dinner was ready. So, in Pia’s mind, being a “good mother” means doing the exact same thing for her family that her mother did for them. Little does she know, her mother had been utterly exhausted, too; and she often felt the way Pia feels now.
What would it be like if Pia’s husband tucked the kids in instead of her? What would it be like if the kids just ate what Pia had for dinner, without complaint? What would it be like if Pia felt as though her family members were actively trying to be helpful and respectful? What would it be like if she still believed she was a great mother, without having to do absolutely everything? What if Pia felt like she knew exactly what she needed to fill that gnawing empty sensation, AND she felt as though her family helped her to fill it, too?
What would it be like for Pia to feel like her relationships were supporting her rather than draining her? Holy hell… would life be different!
So… how do we build relationships that are strong, safe, and supportive?
Keep in mind, this is one example of the types of relationships that can exist in a family. There are infinite examples of the way in which a belief about yourself can play out in a relationship with another person. This was merely an example to explain how that process CAN look – NOT how it always looks.
Building strong relationships involves learning what we believe about ourselves and our roles, and findings ways to create new boundaries with other people that build safety and well-being. You can absolutely be in charge of the way you are treated by others.
When your inner flame is ignited and you know what you need to nourish your soul, you can set boundaries, and you can build relationships (even rebuild existing ones) that help you feel whole.
Here’s how we’ll put you on the path to stronger relationships…
In therapy together, we’ll explore your boundaries and preferences. We’ll discover what kinds of communication you prefer and don’t prefer.
We’ll learn how you can communicate in ways that are effective in inviting others to meet your needs. And we’ll build an internal sense of solid ground that will help you feel confident in asking others to be your teammates.
We’ll use our relationship in therapy as the first testing ground, and you’ll soon know how to teach other people to treat you with the respect you deserve.
Which of your relationships needs restoration?
Now is the time to explore how you can make your relationships better.
Call me today and let’s chat: (720) 432-3842.